From Emily Dickinson,  "After great pain "

This is the hour of lead -
Remembered, if outlived,
As freezing persons, recollect the snow-
First - Chill - then Stupor - then the letting go -

I continue to feel ill, but not in pain - rather like the worst flu but without the temperature - I will spare you the horrible details. I had hoped to get checked out but - -

I was supposed to get a bed in the oncology ward yesterday to see the consultant and to have more chemo (if I am deemed up to it).  But this depends on others leaving the ward. So I ring up every day and now find that I may not get in this week. This may partly be because they do not know I am feeling a lot worse. So I have been phoning round and sending emails to tell them. All very stressful.

Dear friends and followers,
Thank you for your emails ans comments. They are immensely valuable to me - and supportive beyond anything you can know. I am sorry I have not responded properly to them .

I am afraid I am feeling pretty ill really and do not have the energy to reply properly.
Will continue to blog.
xx

There was a power cut yesterday evening - after dark. My oxygen supply has an electric pump and let's out a horrible  alarm if the electricity supply goes off . I do have a back-up cylinder.

It was a bit of a surprise as it  was dark and I was not sure where the torches are. So I used my MoB  light to find a small torch and then had to go through my sailing kit for the one off the boat (it was in the last bag I search).  But I sat down for a few minutes to calm down and work out what to do.  I the end I did not need to implement the plan because the power came back after about 20 mins. At least I have torches to hand.

I am managing to eat and get around the flat a bit. But I don't really feel significantly better.

Yesterday Rhoda drove us out to see the sea and the tide at the mouth of the river Deben. So I saw the sea and the buoys that I have moored on. Good but totally exhausting so don't think this marks some amazing recovery. So why do it - - - lines from Sea Fever get it:-

"I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;"

I continue to be confined to the flat. Rhoda and Aidan have now gone back to France and London. I just about manage to look after myself - the hardest part is to get nice things to eat, although I have a suppressed appetite. I do have some help with doing stuff around the flat, shopping and so on - thank you Fiona. I am a little less zapped than I was a few days ago and the hope is that things improve, even with baby steps.

tachyon rides again - 2012 sailing in the mouth of the river Tyne

I used to own this fireball - I gave it to some young people at Tynemouth saiing club - they used it and then garaged it when their lives led elsewhere. It was recently aquired by two club members, who varnished, repaired and painted it.

I loved this boat and welcome it return to life - much the most exciting boat I have sailed regularly.

This has nothing to do with my present plight - I just find it a life-enhancing picture that brings back good memories and keeps me off self-pity, symptoms and side effects.

Very tough time.
The chemo has side effects - normally one justs feels a bit out of it. This time, I think because I am weakened anyway, it is horrible. I barely move from my chair and feel pretty ill. It will be worth it if it works at all - but takes a bit of living through. I also find it hard to read or concentrate - so am not even trying. Tougher than anything I have experienced.

The next few days have a different challenge because my immune system will be compromised (as they put it). At least the flat is not full of strange  germs.

I was discharged from Ipswich hospital yesterday. Quite a carry-on because I was supposed to use hospital transport (due to having an oxygen cylinder) but the transport was delayed for hours. So we did it by car in the end.

I am installed at home with a thing to make oxygen that looks like an air conditioning unit- with a long lead so I can move around the flat.

I feel pretty fatigued - beyond anything I have experienced previously. So I sit it out for a while, avoiding germs, until the next lot of chemo - better at home - own loo and a bit of quiet.

I do not have the strength for visits or cards or phone calls - but emails are nice. Xx

I spent some of the morning listening to string quartets. Much moved - I had forgotten there is such beauty.
The rest of the day - sleeping and doing mundane things.

Poetry ( and string quartets) have enhanced my life since I discovered them 55 years ago. This to you all:-

The end of Sonnet XXX (Shakespeare - who else)

But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restor'd and sorrows end.

Update: I am - at this moment - getting the chemotherapy dripped in. There are two main drugs:-
Pemetrexed and Carboplatin. Find them on the Internet!
It will take about 3 hours - whilst I lie around and do as little as possible.

Cross fingers that it works X

Dear friends and followers,
There is no easy way to say this but I do want you to know what is going on so I will try to say it as it is with minimal fuss and metaphor.

I have a good Internet connection now through my iPad so can do my own posts and get email (as well as the newspapers).

I had a CAT scan on Friday.  It shows that the cancer has started to grow again pretty aggressively. It has also spread to other essential bits of the innards. This represents some sort of "End Game" . I am currently in the cancer ward and there is a Plan. This is to have some chemo to "push it back" . If this works at all I will get some quality of life (ie will be able to stagger across the room and also look at the mud and river.) if it does not work - - - .

Will keep in touch.

Please do not send cards etc - they clog up the post box at home and there is no room in the ward. Also - as I am not going to get better - please don't send messages about getting better! But email is good and seems to function well - hooray for the Mac.

Thanks you for following and for your good thoughts over the last 3 years - I have really benefitted from these
Xx