This entry is dedicated to Poppy -

 - - who died of anaphylactic shock on Sunday 20th June - aged 19 - and a truly lovely person.

And to Steve, Marcia, Sunshine and Dave - cry them a river and remember.
I have not known you for long - but grieve none-the-less.

lookfar's third cruise - -

17-10 hrs: still too busy to take pictures - but Aidan may have one.

This time we went out and came back on one tide. What I really want to say is that we sailed downstream and back -  and just got in on the falling tide - hit the rudder on the sill but not the keel. I am probably going to get a new engine - the old one does not work to my satisfaction - cuts out at low revs.

Today - AGM of U3A - and I am now on the committee to represent the web team - sigh -  I think is the right response.

lookfar's first solo sail

20-25 hrs: No pictures because I was too busy to take any.

I went for the first solo sail yesterday - over the tide - in sushine and a decent wind. I had more adventures going downriver for 5 miles than I got on day trips in the north East - I think because it is just harder to sail in a river. On the sea - you point the boat and go in straight lines - but the channel twists and turns so there is not just one point of sailing - and the wind quite shifty.  Only felt the mud bottom (not aground exactly)  three times! 

The tides are stronger than I expected - but I was sailing with the tide and made impressive progress. Until - - a rope round propeller getting off a mooring - so I had to do a lot of manoevering under sail - even anchoring and resetting the anchor. (I got the rope off OK).

When I got towards Woodbridge - I foolishly decided to contine up river under sail, rather than moor and take the sails down.  It was too shallow - so the keel caught in the mud - the boat swung round and I very slowly drifted on the tide onto a moored boat (having avoided about three others!). I picked up its mooring and pretended that I was intending to do this - so it may not have provided spectator entertainment.

I now need to improve the control lines and be off again.

Geology trip to Walton on the Naze

18-20 hrs: The geology group of the U3A in East Suffolk took itself off to Walton on the Naze to inspect cliff erosion, a wave-cut platform and lots of fossils.

This was hugely enjoyable - and I had no idea that Walton beach was such a rich source of geological examples of various kinds. 

There is London clay at the foot of the cliff - which yields fossil wood and teeth - and much else if you know what to look for. Above the clay - there are levels of sand with a lot of coral and shells. The upper layers slump down onto the beach, as the picture shows. There are no signs of attempts to protect the cliffs here - which seems strange but at least leaves good features for us to ponder.

Tomatoes

19-50 hrs: This window sill is supposed to get hot and sunny - thus the tomatoes. The plants are bred for captivity in pots and hanging baskets - and the fruit are the baby variety. I do wonder if the flowers (of which there are a lot) will ever set.

The weather has been cold and windy, so have taken the opportunity to do useful things around the house, to do useful things around the boat, to learn useful things about the U3A web site and wait until the sun shines, in anticipation of which I have bought a very large sun hat.

more on the U3Aes web site

13-30 hrs: No picture - this topic does not lend itself to illustrations.

I have spent much of yesterday and today working on understanding the U3A web site. I have even written a planning document and lots of emails to various interested people. Be impressed - but the sun is now out and I am off to see that lookfar is happy.

University of the Third Age

16-50 hrs: I have spent most of today involved with the U3A - and quite a lot of time lately reading up on the technology of their new web site at  http://www.u3aeastsuffolk.org.uk/ It will not surprise you to know that I volunteered to be their systems admin person - taking over from a member who is moving. The job appears to involve a combination of content management, user support and technical work - just like the University Computing Service (recently ISS) in Newcastle University. It uses Joomla (interesting) and will include a committee meeting once a month (stressful).

In the morning - went to the geology group and looked at the shapes of crystals and some specimins of minerals - as well as planning a morning (next Monday) on the beach under Walton-on-the-Naze looking at mud, fossils and rocks - mostly mud I fear. Afternoon - my first U3A committee meeting - - - .

lookfar in home port

20-20 hrs: this is lookfar on the mooring with the sail up with one reef.

Yesterday we took her out into the river and motored downstream a couple of miles for lunch. It was quite windy and the reefing system was a bit obscure, so we sailed some of the way back with just the genoa - and then motored through the moorings in Woodbridge.

Today I spent happy hours trying to get the reefing system to work smoothly and getting the sails to set nicely. It was quite windy - and I felt quite tired so did not emerge from the marina - and the wind was on the nose - so I could play around pulling the sails up without stressing the moorings. I am not quite used to the limitations of the tides and also the strength of the ebb - which behaves as if a plug has been taken out.

Jaguar 21, sail number 23, is launched - and re-named

21-00 hrs: The Jaguar being launched by the crane on Friday June 11th. Note the rural background to the Tidemill Haven - and  the way out as the tide falls. Also - note the smart grey anti-fouling underneath - very hard work to get it all on and done (yes - I wore overalls and a mask).

One reason I have not written in the last ten days or so is that I felt I did not have much of interest to say until the boat is floating at its berth, apart from the point that there is a lot of pollen around here but I am less breathless as a result of using the inhaler.

I did a de-naming ceremony on Friday after launch. I renamed her today out in the river. 

The name is lookfar -  fair winds and good fortune to all who sail in her.

summer has come - with side-effects

21-00 hrs: Lots of sunshine. Finished putting anti-fouling on the Jaguar and now await, with some patience, the final bits of work before the launch, denaming and renaming of Jaguar 21 sail number 23. The furler was fitted on Saturday and I have just to attach the sheets.

I felt surprisingly ill for much of last week - did I go to the doctor - no! But they caught up with me eventually because the practice nurse noticed that I was stupidly breathless when I was there for a blood test. Eventually - we identified that I was suffering from hay fever which irritated bronchial tubes and bits of lung; so I got an inhaler. Instant improvement  - helped a bit by cooler, wetter weather. So today - back out in the heat and pollen and dust without ill effects. Tomorrow - the beach with sun hats and sun blocker.

Before and after

 Note the lifeboat house at Wells Next The Sea - taken last year - 2009 - at the end of May

 This one is from the Wells web site and shows the development of a pontoon area for windfarm service vessels where I anchored last year.
http://www.wellsharbour.co.uk/index.htm


18-28 hrs: There are other changes at Wells - pictures on their web site - all seem good - I hope the people who live there think so too. I enjoyed Wells last year and would ever-so like to get back there. Going from the Deben to Wells for me is like other people crossing an ocean - but you never know - - - I could do it in lots of wind and the right tide. Probably.

17-20 hrs: Just to show you a beautiful boat (Sheila) - without the mizzen mast and bow sprit. She was lifted out last week for repairs to the deck and is now ensconced in a boat shed at Everson's . Built 1905 in the Isle of Man - she has a varied history - appears in Yachting Monthly before the first world war, but still has many original features . Note the canoe stern and that she does not have an engine - - be impressed.

older boats

10-40 hrs: Small wooden cruisers off Everson's boatyard in Woodbridge.

I used to think that 'old gaffers' or 'classic boats'  were very impractical, needing a lot of work to keep them sailing. This is probably still true - - but - - - I am gradually coming to see their beauty and to understand why people own them. I even like the mud.

I have spent a lot of time looking at their shapes and watching them sail - and am now a fan. But it is OK - I am not going to get one as a 'project' and exhaust myself even further - tempting tho' it may seem on a sunny day.

Progress with getting Jaguar ready to go

10-00 hrs: The boat is still out of the water and this is the view from the cockpit. It needs a new rubbing strake and some other minor work. You may be surprised to know that I am being remarkably patient about it. I visit it most days and potter on doing minor things - and putting off the evil hour of doing the anti-fouling. And I have done a lot of wandering around in the sun and grossing out in the cockpit in the sun.


It is quite hard to put words to how I feel - one way to put it is that I feel pretty well - considering. But I am not as full of energy as I make it sound through recording my boating activities. I do find that I need to pace myself so as not to get too exhausted to enjoy myself. I suspect this is why I am being patient about the boat progress - rather than a change of character. The resistance training in the gym is excellent and I try to go three times a week - but I am tired afterwards and do not then dash around as much as it may sound. I think I get a tiny bit fitter each week and dodder around a bit less but also I have slowed down a lot and only notice this when I try to keep up with other people - or keep up with my domestic life and correspondence.


Enjoy the sunshine

LA Girl leaves Tidemill - - - cry me a river - - -

19-45 hrs: Southerly 95 - LA Girl - under new (and enthusiastic) ownership sails down the Deben this afternoon, heading north to the Firth of Forth, the canal westwards and thus to Anglesea. I waved goodbye and wish her good winds and happy sailing. Thanks to Howard Ford for his good offices in selling the boat. - http://www.yachtworld.com/howardfordmarinesales/

Yea - I cried - obviously. But I am cheered by having a new boat and the sun shone all day.

I never expected to sail a laser again - but - - - -

18-25 hrs: - - - here it is - new Radial sail and decent wind - a bit gusty so some nice reaches on the plane - I even missed the moored boats and the yachts under power. I was out for about an hour and managed fine on the water. The hard part was getting the boat back ashore (on a narrow slipway), putting the gear away and getting my boots on and off. I was very careful not to rush it, so got only mildly out of breath. I even found it easier than usual to lift the mast into the hole - the result of strength training I suppose. I am now aware of some muscles that have not been used since I last sailed a laser - September 2008.

another quiet week - apart from TV news

18-10- hrs: A whole week since I wrote an entry - not that I did anything of moment last week - new reading glasses - boat sale progressing slowly - interesting geology session at U3A geology group about volcanoes - the usual stuff. But I did stare at the tele for three days and pondered the hung parliament and the likely outcome of con-dem coalition. Also read a few newspapers. I don't know if this was genuine fascination with the process or a reaction to very cold weather (for the time of year) from which I lurked indoors.

The chemo capsules appear to be doing their job - and the side effects, whilst noticable (especially tiredness and slightly upset digestion), are relatively mild and OK if I am careful not to overeat or overdo the activities.

on the river Deben

20-30 hrs: yesterday - one of the coldest days I have ever spent on safety cover (even on the open sea off the Tyne) and two people were cold enough to be wrapped in blankets. I had lots of spare pullovers and an off-shore jacket - and wore the whole lot.

The picture is of Ramsholt beach from the club's very nice river boat - with the trainees and various dinghies - about half way down-river to the mouth. I found some fossils along the cliff, but mostly lurked out of the wind and rain. At least it stopped me watching the excitement of the news on the tv. But today I gave in - and after going to the gym, I stayed in, switched on the tele and watched the hung parliament programmes on the 24 hour news channels - sadly fascinating. (I did some sewing and other domestic stuff whilst the tele was on - - .)

Lorna's plants

16-40 hrs: This is a patch of beach at Prior's Haven, Tynemouth. I used to keep my boat there and planted my household bulbs each year after they flowered. Many are still flowering outside the boat house years later - this is a small patch bravely coming through the sand. Nice to think the beach does not forget. Thanks to Jacks for the picture and to her boat for protecting them.

A review with the consultant this morning - the chemo-therapy seems to be halting the development of the cancer and the xrays are unchanged since last time. Encouraging.

a quiet week

11-20: Life has gone on here with the usual domestic round, combined with watching rather too much election stuff on the tele.

I have been to the gym and am now doing more work with dumbells - which is improving muscles and breathing. I have done a few minor things on the Jaguar and am now waiting for some work to be done on the rubbing strakes before it will be launched. The Southerly is awaiting a survey, so no activity there. And lunch with my children in London on Tuesday. All strangely tiring.

a rant about voting - remember 1928

10-50 hrs: I have voted - I think I prefer to do my civic duty by going to the polling station - but have opted for a postal vote for some reason.

Why vote - even in a safe seat?

Because your vote does get counted in the overall total. And - more important - because people fought for the right to vote for a long time; the date for universal male suffrage in the UK was 1918. When my mother was born in 1916, most men - but no women - could vote. Some women could vote after 1918 but it was not until 1928 that all women could vote. 1928 - I still find this astonishingly recent. See my entry for March 10th.

Jaguar boat work in hand - -

17-40 hrs: The cockpit of the Jaguar. I am now busy with the new boat - mostly scrubbing and polishing but the cockpit is also good for resting in the sun. I am also watching the election and volcano news - the election having become mildly more interesting.

Yesterday - the fifth lot of vinorelbine capsules from Ipswich hospital: this is a much nicer way to take chemotherapy, with fewer side-effects: I also get the chance to talk to a MacMillan nurse, which keeps me in contact with how I am doing. This, and the healthy life-style, seems to be working.

things much as usual

21-10 hrs: There is a super all-day-breakfast-type cafe in a caravan on the quayside - between the houseboats and the railway, where we have eaten a lot of chips and all day breakfasts. They are closed this week for renovation. Part of the project appears to be to remove the old (1960s style) model and replace it with a newer one - closest to us in the picture. I just hope the food stays the same - - - . The caravan will be sited back from the quayside - roughly where the yellow skip is; they appear to be parked at the edge whilst they make the foundation larger - - - .

Otherwise all much as usual in Woodbridge - apart from sunshine and a couple of days cleaning off the old rubbing strake on the Jaguar. I continue to feel quite well although I do get tired. There are even the usual domestic annoyances - like the battery on my car being on the edge of wearing out. I spend a lot of time looking at pictures of the volcano in Iceland - and none looking at pictures of our great leaders.

continue to take mind off election

17-10 hrs: proof that the Jaguar has a keel - I had the boat lifted for inspection - interesting - exhausting. But the Jaguar's keel is fine and I am putting the purchase in hand.

So far this week - I have worried on about the boats and done a lot of domestic things (hoovering, shopping and so on). But I have also had some pleasant walks along the river and lunch outside. So not much to say really - except that it is oddly tiring and pleasant.

taking my mind off the election

15-50 hrs: A Jaguar 21 - I have contracted to buy this and paid the deposit this morning. More detail about this kind of boat at http://www.jaguaryachts.co.uk/jag21.html.

I thought I would not get another one until LA Girl is sold - BUT plans are made to be updated. I was thinking of buying something a bit larger and more expensive but common sense prevails and I have spent much of this week looking at smaller boats and decided to get one that has a bit of performance rather than live-aboard functionality.

I was so traumatised by this that I had to have a wee sleep in the sun this afternoon, but have bounced back enough to fess-up to the blog - and now head out for a coffee.

the river Deben and the spring holidays

10-20 hrs: Happy spring holiday to all my followers, friends and relatives.

I am being mildly active with two more rescue duties for Deben Sailing club (which has involved messing about in boats and driving a RIB up and down the river). I wear as many clothes as it is possible to squeeze into - it has been quite cold and windy, with the threat of rain. The dinghy sailors seem quite good at staying upright - so have not had to rescue anyone yet. I have also pottered around the marina, looked at any boat that comes near enough to be looked at and generally hung out in the milli-seconds of sun before the clouds and rain. Add to this a few visits to the gym and you can see that I am trying to build a bit of physical stamina ready for sailing a dinghy. LA Girl still unsold - so nothing yet on getting a new boat.

And I watched the end of the old Doctor Who on TV - and the start of the new series - hooray for tele (if I can keep away from it most of the time).

a chart over two chemo cycles - since mid Feb:

17-50 hrs: Cool or what?? The blue line is the wellness score with a dotted line for the trend line. The arrows are chemotherapy days with the new capsules. The red line is the number of 'social contacts' in that day - includes electronic methods. The black line - a five day moving average of the 'contacts' line. The dip in the blue line - a day when I felt ill.

OK people - make what you can of this! I quite like it because it has fewer ups and downs than previously.

rescue duty

12-00 hrs: Yesterday - I did a rescue duty for the Deben Yacht Club - very enjoyable but cold. A spring tide, so the river looked like a lake. I drove a mega-rib, so fun all round. I was a bit tired after - but not surprising. Main problem - getting up at 7-30 BST (6-30 GMT!).

the other end of the line

9-45 hrs: The other end of the line - Liverpool Street station in London. I had lunch here yesterday with Rhoda - and went to a couple of shops.

On Tuesday - after playing with a bonfire at the sailing club - I had another review at Ipswich hospital - no sign of nasties on the Xray and a helpful conversation with the consultant left me more cheerful than I expected. I continue to take the capsules - which seem to have fewer side-effects. I was worrying that this meant they were not working - it is amazing what one can find to worry about!

I was so pleased by this, and by having lunch out yesterday, that I have bought a new radial sail and lower mast section for the laser - so I will be sailing it! I also discover that the club seems short of rescue crew - so have already been allocated a duty (on Sunday)!

more boats emerge

16-30 hrs: Boating activity is increasing on the Deben - several yachts and motor boats went up and down the river. Here the dinghies of Deben Yacht Club jill about before a race - in light wind and bright sunshine.

I jilled about in the boat yard getting a laser ready to sail. I fear I may get too out of breath - but the only way to find out is to try. I also ate traditional sailing club food - bacon butties - yum. It was so warm for a short time that I wore only a tee shirt (and trousers!) - but had to put on all the thermals again when the wind got up after lunch.

More days like this please.

Woodbridge end of the line + an update

20-00 hrs: A train from London coming into Woodbridge station. This picture has no particular relevance to the post! I just took it yesterday.

If you have not heard from me lately - this is because I have a new bad habit. Time was when I wrote blogs, letters and emails at various times in the day and especially in the evening. Now I watch TV and DVDs (at least in the evening) - I am hoping the novelty will wear off without a big effort.

I am feeling a lot better than I did a couple of weeks ago. I hope this lasts! I am pottering around doing the usual things - domestic stuff, going to University of the Third age groups and messing about a little bit with boats. I am hoping the boating bits will increase as the weather improves. I continue to go to the fitness centre and am still improving my muscle tone. The big problem is still breathlessness if I do not pace my walking speed.

I started on a different mode of taking the chemotherapy a couple of weeks ago. I get capsules from the oncology unit in the hospital but take them at home. This is much less hassle and seems to produce fewer side effects - which I also hope will last. Obviously.

signs of spring - again

20-35 hrs: This is of the start of boating-life awakening along the river - heralding the spring. The crane is lowering new pontoons into the river - to be followed in due course by boats currently standing in boat yards and hard standings. The moorings are empty, but for a few overwintering boats. There are still very few spring bulbs in evidence but the weather is getting better.

The spring seems to have a particular importance this year because I really want to get on with my outdoors life and (like everyone else) I am truly fed up with winter weather. I have a Laser to sail in a couple of weeks. It would be lovely to sell LA Girl so that I can also have a small cruiser to explore the rivers. And I have my eye on a few nice bits of beach for lounging around on.

I find it strange that there are very few boats on moorings and those in the marinas do not seem to go out for a sail, even when there is a good wind and some sunshine. I am wondering what they know that I do not know.

I have felt a lot better for the last couple of weeks, although I have not blogged much. And why is this? Because I have been gawping at the tele and DVDs far too much. I hope I shall get over it soon and go back to normal amounts of writing and gawping! There seems always to be some bad habit to deal with - - .

Camden Lock

20-42 hrs: Camden Lock, London.

A very enjoyable time walking round the market here today. Good to see Camden market so popular - even if it means pushing our way through crowds of people. I am now back home in the quiet of Woodbridge - but glad to have felt the vibes of the big city.

Monday's child - -

9.30 hrs: I expect there is a more idealogically sound ending - this is the original - thought to have originated to teach the days of the week. I was born on a Monday apparently. Cool.
-------------------------------------

Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay

International Women's Day: Thursdays Child

14-15 hrs: anything to get away from housework - - took their pictures instead of hoovering.

These are my 1970s 'women's lib' earings - and I do try to live my life by feminist precepts. So remember folks - I do not burn bras (and you are allowed a brief laugh here) - but I do vote. Women did not get the vote when my mother was born in 1916 - the dates 1918 but really 1928 when all women could vote. Reliable contraceptives - 1961 when the pill became available.

So recent! Still far to go - thus Thursdays Child (has far to go).
Spend a day noting bad gender things in the media - you will be shocked.

signs of spring -

21.40 hrs: The bike and the boat represent the possibility of spring. I have painted the red anti-fouling on the boat - and mended the rope rubbing straik. And I am intending to ride the bike often - it has been shut up indoors due to rain and snow.

There are not many other signs of spring - a few snowdrops and crocuses - no daffodils yet - a few green shoots on shrubs - birds all doing winter things. I am still wearing thermals when I walk along the river. The sun has shone a few times lately - which may encourage buyers for my boat.

Some more figures -

20-20 hrs: As I have reported previously - I have found (for all that I have serious experience of finding information) it pretty difficult to find even outline figures that are reasonably up to date. I don't have access to University library resources. Are the figures deliberately not summarised on the web because they will upset people or does this illustrate that lung cancer is not as well-researched as it should be?

see http://www.touchoncology.com/categories/lung-cancers
specifically:-
http://www.touchoncology.com/articles/unmet-needs-treatment-metastatic-non-small-cell-lung-cancer

I have recently found the following:-
Survivial rates in randomised studies (of platinum-based drugs taken with another drug) over the last decade = median survival of 8 to 11 months in the studies. No figures about patients not in trials.

There are improvements in survival reported with second line therapy (ie after the cancer has become resistant to the first lot of chemo:) The mean of these is reported as less than a year, although they may also improve quality of life.

You will be glad to know that I am now going to give up trying to find figures. Back to pictures and the trivia of everyday life - and possibly my worries about disease progression (observed as happening with a median of three to six months of initiating chemotherapy- - ) - this really is the last figure!

Dear friends, followers and family - thank you for reading my blog - it is unspeakably helpful to me to know you are all out there - even (as Meemee did yesterday) if you argue!

This week is six months since diagnosis

19-30 hrs: This week marks six months since diagnosis with advanced lung cancer. 'Diagnosis' is not a very accurate point in time - especially as lung cancers are thought to develop over many years. I really cannot pinpoint a starting point, although I was first obviously ill in Wells - in June, and may have been feeling the effects a couple of months earlier.

So general survival figures are flawed, quite apart from other factors, such as differences according to the type of lung cancer, the stage of the cancer at diagnosis and variations according to social status. But they provide a framework for understanding. These from the Office of National Statistics - survival rates in England - diagnosed 2001 to 2006. All lung cancers - all stages.

Women - 60 to 69 -
-------------------
- one year survival = 35%
- five year survival = 11%

This from BMJ/Guardian for 2009:-
all ages / men and women - Non-small cell lung cancer - diagnosed at stage 4 (advanced)
-----------------------------
- five year survival = about 5%

Why am I telling you this? Because I have been thinking about death and survival - and I found general figures - eventually. Sites are a bit coy about putting lung cancer figures in the public domain - perhaps they confirm lung cancer as a cinderella cancer for death rates are much higher than other cancers.

Pondering death and cancer

Sat: 20-30 hrs: I don't think I am so much suffering from depression as from a great sense of uncertainty about how to live life and the way ahead. I have tended to use the word 'rehabilitation' but I am not sure that this is the right concept because it implies a cure.

Obviously - it is not appropriate to plan and live as I did in my old life (although I would like that life back!). Yet I cannot just sit around and not make some effort towards a new way of living. The way ahead is horribly unclear; it is as if I were sailing up a creek without any bouyage or charts. Has anyone marked the way before? I have done a lot of surfing the web and have not found what I need - except - - .

Yesterday I bought the Guardian and sat down to read it in Costa coffee. I spread it out and see a picture of a handsome woman on a full page spread with information that she is suffering from terminal cancer. Dr Ann McPherson. Her words touch a nerve - reporting that she is trying to " - - achieve a balance between living as normal a life as possible and making the very most of my last living days - - " And there it was - simply put - in outline - what I was trying to do without saying as much. So I searched the web for her and found more things I needed, and especially her association with work on people’s experiences of health and illness. And so - a section on lung cancer - a navigation chart - - with bouys marking the channels.

So today and yesterday - much web surfing and some helpful things. And I watched a Buffy DVD! Oh - and I walked along the beach at Felixstowe Ferry and ate chips in the cafe there - nice.

Martello Tower in Africa

12-50 hrs: This is the one in Freetown, Seirra Leone. Amazing. (The top bit is a water tank - so even here one is put to a modern use). See 8th Feb: post about Martello Towers - and thanks to Helen for the picture.

cancer review - the downs are not just side-effects

19-20 hrs: Today - to the hosptial for an appointment with the consultant for a review. I really don't know how best to report on this because the whole process is a bit mind-bending, not to say tiring.

One surprise was that there is a bit of the cancer visible on the Xrays as 'suspicious' bits - I had not quite appreciated that they are visible but they are there on the earlier Xrays as well - so I assume I did not look as closely as I did this time. Apparently - if it were not being treated with chemotherapy, it would develop quickly. I knew this but needed to be told again - it shows that I really have got it, even if I cannot see it or feel it.

So what about the side effects I have reported in earlier posts? Some of them may not actually be side effects. Some of the symptoms of delayed emotional reaction/ post traumatic stress / depression are mistaken for side effects. I wonder if issues associated with emotional reactions can be more readily addressed than physical reactions to harmful chemicals - or what.

And the treatment - carry on taking vinorelbine - but in capsule form. Carry on walking along the beaches of Suffolk - preferably in sunshine. Carry on sailing - hopefully in a smaller boat (but in the Southerly if it has not sold). Carry on getting fitter. But no sunshine on the NHS! I shall develop a plan for dealing with emotional reactions (which one might call depression I suppose, although it does not feel the right word) on Saturday when the sun is due to shine for part of the day.

downs continue - -

19-30 hrs: The slight improvement reported in my last post has not continued and I spent most of Sunday and Monday asleep - slightly better today. I think this continues to be the side effects of chemotherapy, so I am a bit optimistic that is will wear off. I also blame the weather - lots of heavy rain for days.

I felt so rough on Monday that I bought a TV to watch Dr Who programmes - only to find out that the arial I have here does not produce enough signal to connect to the Freeview in the TV. I have not had a TV for nearly a year. I note that BBC News Online is better than any of the news services on TV.

Later - Wednesday - I checked the post code here as to whether I can get Freeview. Reply - 'Unfortunately, you won't be able to receive any Freeview channels now - -'; I thought you could get Freeview everywhere - I am annoyed by this.

recent downs in cancer rehabilitation

19-20 hrs: Covers four weeks - two cycles of chemotherapy. There has at least been a bit of an upturn - but not when expected.

I feel that the chemo is now causing more trouble than it is worth - which I have not felt before. The last weeks were also more difficult because I have got used to the idea that I would return to feeling more 'normal' before the next lot of chemo therapy.

Old habits return all too easily and I have made 'to do' lists for most days in the last two weeks - a bad idea and it suggests I am trying to do too much. So today - chilled out by wandering around Woodbridge and visited the boat, although I did unfold the bike to welcome the sun.

Ups and Downs of cancer and treatments

19-20 hrs: The normal pattern with chemo therapy has been a week or so of gradual 'down' after treatment. This is then followed by a week of gradual 'up'. Each time this pattern is different in detail but works as a generalisation. The last cycle was different - my feeling of wellbeing went up for a couple of days after but since then it has gone down and continued to go down.

I have found this difficult - partly I became used to the previous pattern of ups and downs and have resisted accepting a new pattern. But also I did forget that health can go down as well as up - whereas most of my expectations are for things to get better - and then get frightened if the trajectory is not upwards all the time. I also think I may have been trying too hard to get back to 'normal' through rehabilitation - working out in the gym, joining various groups and meeting people. Most of the 'down' has been an increase in breathlessness and more indigestion than usual. More chemo today - so we will see what happens next.

So a week of unexpected difficulty - not to mention some hideous wet weather after the weekend.

beach along the River Ore estuary

8-30 hrs: Looking south (away from the wind and rain on Saturday) - the really scary entrance to the River Ore on a falling tide and this in very little wind.

The beach here continues from those further south (see Saturday 6th Feb: for a previous visit there) and lined with Martello towers (see Monday 8th Feb:). The shingle is steep to the sea and hard to walk on - and at the top of the beach - tough plants. Very good to see the North Sea again - I will be back to the gravel and will sail into this estuary later in the year.

Tynemouth sailing club: thank you

14-05 hrs: There is a yellow bouy off the lighthouse here -(St Mary's lighthouse, Whitley Bay).

There is an annual dinghy race from the mouth of the Tyne to this bouy and back - (note the typical sea conditions in the picture). For some years I was race officer for this race and some people were kind enough to enjoy it and state it was the best race of the year etc etc. They usually said this when the thick, black mist descended (yet they still got back) or the wind got up (and they still got back). The resue fleet (run by the wonderful Red Seal Rescue) also enjoyed it for some reason best known to themselves (they are young). So fun for everyone and terror for the race officer (and the ARO - usually Howard Thomson (known as HT))

Tynemouth Sailing club voted to rename this race the 'Scammell Dash' . I was extremely touched by this recognition and this log entry thanks everyone at TSC for doing this - and for their kind thoughts since I was ill - and thanks HT for enjoying it with me for many years.

Current meanings of health scores on graphs

13-45 hrs: I thought I should list the ones that turn up in graphs again -note that I know this is subjective. However - I find it remarkably helpful.
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11 - very well - I live a more-or-less normal life - if at a slower pace. Less breathlessness
10.5 - very well - feeling nearly normal - if at a slower pace. Not noticeably fatigued. Rehabilitation. Breathlessness continues
10 - very well - nearly normal life - if at a slower pace. Less breathlessness and fatigue.
9.5 - well - Improvements in breathlessness and heart rate. No indigestion etc. Can get tired if do very big things. Feel OK.
9 - well - Improvements in breathlessness and heart rate. No indigestion etc. Can get tired. Feel OK
8.5 - well - breathlessness notable. Can travel OK. Can handle hassles - less fatigue. Indigestion little.
8 - quite well - some breathlessness - can avoid sleep in afternoon. Some fatigue and struggle to do things. Can travel. Indigestion - mild.
7.5 - quite well - fatigue + breathless - can avoid sleep in afternoon. Can travel. Indigestion - mild.
7 - quite well - fatigue + breathless - can avoid sleep in afternoon; may feel gloom. Can travel with care. Indigestion - but less bad.
6 - aware of being less well - fatigue + breathless - I have to sleep in afternoon. Need to manage energy levels. Indigestion.

Feb 10th - health score of cancer rehabilitation

13-40hrs: It does look as if the trajectory is better this time round - nice.

Cancer- Case Notes on radio 4

12-30 hrs: good stuff in Case Notes about cancer in general and lung cancer in particular. It also follows the thought that, as treatments become more sophisticated, many cancers will be kept in check and managed as a chronic condition- for years. I liked the bit about 'years'.

Martello towers

14-55 hrs: this is the only picture I have (at Shingle Street) because I keep forgetting to take portraits of them.

Along this coast these stunning, round towers were built between 1804 and 1812 to keep the French at bay. They are spaced out from Aldborough to Sussex and anyone walking or sailing here will see them so often that they are taken for granted. They were built with solid brick walls about three feet thick - the brick coming from London by barge. There are Martello towers world-wide, from Sierra Leone to Canada to Australia. More - and a map.

Driech weather with snow today in contrast with Saturday.