Wednesday, 25 November 2009

- a price worth paying - -

20-15: Today - we have side effects - a price worth paying.
The feeling is less obviously physical - more apparently emotional than previously but based in the physical because I don't have the energy to deal with the normal things of life that (normally) keep me on the normal side of sanity.

I find it hard to write about it - it feels as if I want to run down the road - shouting and screaming and weeping and ranting. I do not have the energy actually to do this - so I remember lots of bad things instead and listen to music, thinking about relatives who are now dead - my father, Betty, Pauline, Michael (to whom I was married), my mother - it pains me even to write their names.

Yet - yet - I cannot deny
the black shadow by not writing about it - it is part of the experience of my life. It lurks and comes into the open from time to time, usually as part of the side effect of chemo-therapy. So blame the chemicals - and accept it as a price worth paying for being alive and for the good times.

And today we also had the sanding off of mud from the waterline of the boat (satisfying but exhausting). The wind blew, the sun shone, the tide came in over the river mud, I had chips for lunch and a friend got in touch.

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