Why is it raining? Is the weather telling us something?

Gloriana: rowed from Chelsea to Tower Bridge and beyond - must have been exhausting

Today - the jubilee parade on the Thames - which I will watch on the tele because I like boats. But - - how are we republicans to deal with the celebration of monachy and the gross commentary that accompanies the whole carry-on.

 It would be nice if we were celebrating something more meaningful. Perhaps the people - 'fanfare for the common man' (and woman) sort of thing. Or acknowleding events of the growth (not yet complete) of democracy in our country - such as universal voting (1928).

If we think what monachy symbolises - not a nice picture -  hierachy - privilege - unearned wealth - deference - militarism - and much more. Republicans need better symbolism - many people don't even know that this country was a republic for a while in the seventeenth century.

One corner of Fox's marina

I went to Fox's chandlery today - with a list. I actually spent more on some new thermals than I did on bits for the boats - which is a good thing as it is getting cold again.

Fox's marina is an interesting mix of massive boats with hired crews and old boats in mud moorings - just visible at the top of the picture.

 

The wonderful Tocata. I spent a happy evening aboard playing Monopoly three years ago in Brightlingsea - when I felt ill but did not know why. The capt and crew were kind to me - I do not forget.

Looking the other way - I spotted Tocata - the wooden ketch.

Lesser black backed gull nesting on a roof in Ipswich station.
A very cross looking bird - so it is good that there is a glass panel between the gull and the passengers.

Yesterday - I had lunch with Aidan by the Thames near the Tower - in sunshine like summers ought to be. I saw this gull and another one on nests on the roof of a building on Ipswich Station on the way home. I looked down on them as I crossed the bridge and had just enough energy left to take a pic.

Deben Yacht Club from Lookfar

We took Lookfar out on the river on Saturday - at high tide - so no dramas - just a nice day. A different view of DYC and the river banks.

Lookfar was launched yesterday - drove her round to the pontoon. The sun even peeped out for a short while. I have done the mooring lines and prepared her for a trip out on the river tomorrow - when I hope to get a meaningful picture to prove we are back in business. Feeling less fatigued as the effects of the chemotherapy fade.

What I was trying to say yesterday is that there is some sort of paradox in the way I feel emotionally. As I get more able to do things - instead of feeling more optimistic - I feel more gloom - more anger - more despair.
Not so bad today (yet) - although I did want to gnash my teeth when I was out this morning.

Suffolk Punch horses in Woodbridge

Something different - and a magnificent contrast to normal vehicles (and boats) in Woodbridge .

Last week was difficult. I was more active than anticipated, so I thought I should be OK. But I have struggled to keep going in a positive sort of way and have not written to anyone. Side effects and the weather. Let us hope that next week works better.

Deck of Lookfar. The black lines are where I have decided to put new lines. The picture was taken at launch in 2011..

Lookfar is now next to the workshop in the marina, ready to be cleaned and have the anti-fouling done.  I was much cheered to see her there this morning, which has inspired me to figure out how to lead some of the lines back to the cockpit. The black lines show where the halliards will go from the bottom of the mast.

It was a bit tricky for two reasons. One is that I have some deck gear that I thought I might use but have not seen a way to fit it as it came from a much larger boat. The other is that there are some high points on the deck. But I have found some nice new gear (££££ obviously) which will fit easily. The cleats are represented by circles in the picture.

This means that I will be able to let the main sail down quickly as I approach moorings or the marina. All very encouraging.

52 Degrees North  - Bawdsey and the mouth f the Deben

The side effect of  fatigue suddenly kicked in on Thursday afternoon - fortunately after I had done some  shopping. I have felt zapped since but not as bad as on the three previous occasions. So on Friday I dozed infront of the tele and watched the election results and the very curious (ie wrong) commentary from the pundits - but did not get angry.

Aidan was here on Saturday and he drove to Bawdsey - it was high tide and there were intrepid trainee sailors spread out as far as the West Knoll bouy. It is very refreshing to see the sea - and to feel the wind. I walked a few meters along the beach amongst the cabbages and watched the waves pile onto the beach and the tide change.
Today - temperature was 6 degrees C. at mid  morning. I promised not to moan about the weather - but - - - . A bit more zapped today but I did go out for a coffee and newspaper  - so am not housebound.

Chemotherapy: Yesterday I was in the Day Unit in Ipswich hospital for (I hope) the last lot of the current chemo. I got there at 8-50 and left at 18-00 hrs. Typically - it was sunny all day whilst I was indoors - when I left - it clouded over and rained. The length of stay sounds worse than it was - I was not bored for very long - read the Guardian and looked at pictures of boats - and the chandlery catalogue.

I expect to feel OK for a couple of days - and then anticipate side-effects - especially fatigue - but not as bad as previously. At least there are some political sillies to watch on the tele.

The weather seems especially important - but it looks like cloud and rain into the future and I wonder whether I should stop looking out for the sun to shine - and then stop grumbling about it.

Not a speed limit sign but something much more irritating

An annoying week - for example - when you are 70 you have to renew your driving licence. I find this unnecessary and disrupting. And the process is irritating because on-line application is filled with gotchas of various kinds and I finished up using a paper form. At least there is no charge - - .
And where has all the time gone since I passed my test aged 18?

Iris May - August 2006 in Alnmouth. Bring back yesterday - -

Iris May -my old (and favourite boat) is advertised on Apollo Duck.
 http://www.apolloduck.com/display.phtml?aid=225342

If I had the energy and the money - it would speak to me again - - - - .

Swallows are back -

There is an established nest in the sheltered part of the balcony at the sailing club. They do not yet seem to be improving and occupying it.

Watched racing there today - one squall came through with a hail storm - so those of us ashore congratulated ourselves at being under cover.

Turnstones - next to the shelter along the river at high tide

Nothing much has happened this week - except that the fatigue has lifted. I still get tired and my muscles are out of condition, so I am walking short distances along the river and take every opportunity to stop to admire birds and boats. It has been too cold - but a small amount of sun entices me out anyway. I am also doing resistance training for a short time every day in the gym - to improve the muscles.

Visualisation of the ups and downs

Blue line - a calculation of how I am each day. Black line - 8 day moving average. Shown here to illustrate the ups and downs - and that they follow the chemo regime - with downs after each chemo session. I am hoping for a step up over the next couple of weeks.

I have felt pretty zonked-out all week - fatigue and general feebleness. I even stayed in all day for a couple of days. Today - the 11th after the chemo - the optimistic view is that it gets better hereafter.
A pity not to be able to illustrate this with a picture - but cannot think of a suitable one.

Laser 166650 for sale (1999) - XD controls,  new spars and radial sail.

This is not really an advert as such - unless you want to buy it of course. It is on Appollo Duck  at http://www.apolloduck.co.uk/display.phtml?aid=243885
This sounds energetic but actually I have been hit again by fatigue. The pattern seems to be a few days clear of it after the chemo then the killer chemicals then do their thing and fatigue sets in for a week or so. The good news here is that it is not as bad as it was and I am able to go out for lunch - and to put the advert for the boat on the sailing club notice board. I am also doing some epic sleeping. However - I feel shakey and a little sorry for myself.

Not helped by horrible weather - no sun and a biting northerly wind - and heavy rain forecast. I felt for all the boats coming up the river yesterday for a few days of holiday over Easter. They all retreated on the high tide today.

Lookfar - the mast and slot for the sail. And the edge of the marina across to yet another boatyard.

Wednesday: I had enough energy, after sausage and chips at lunchtime, to put in hand another change to the boat. This should make sail handling a lot easier. The idea is to install modern sliders to replace the bolt of rope that holds the sail in the track. The rope makes it hard to get up and harder to drop in a hurry. So I got some tracks from the sailmaker and figured out which to use. I then folded the sail and carried it to the sail loft (just down the road) - so the work is now in hand. The main snag appears to be that there is not (yet) a suitable fitting in the small  section of the mast where the sliders are fed in. Another task is to find one - hopefully without going to the chandler's (where I always spend more money than intended, even if I have a list!). So today I walked to the boat again in order to take a measurement and some pictures.

And from this you can see that I continue to get more active - and the change to sail handling is a statement about being up for it in the summer.

I have had some pleasant days - mostly in sunshine - since my last post. I did the usual things - ate out and walked along the river bank and watched the tide come in. I have also been to the shops (a big luxury if you have not been able to get to them much for a long time) and visited the marina and the boat. I have even sorted out getting the hull polished and the anti-fouling done by the boat yard, before launch in early May. This a statement of intent to potter around in the boat - in the sunshine - in the summer.

Black headed gull sitting on a life bouy. Most of the gulls around just now seem to be juvaniles - maybe the grown ups have gone off to lay eggs etc. 

Today - third lot of chemotherapy. This time it was in the Day Unit - which was much nicer as I was not in overnight - although it was a long process from about 8-45 to 17-30. I went with a lot of survival gear - magazines, newspapers, iced water and some food. I got a comfy chair next to the tea machine. I am not surprised that one gets side effects- for the chemicals themselves are fierce - and one also takes supportive medication for a few days.  I expect to feel OK tomorrow and then get fatigue for a week or so. Intend to sit it out - and avoid the rain. So I may even write emails but try to keep off the subject of symptoms and medical stuff.

The back of the dinghy park - with the work party fettling the five Wayfarers recently aquired by the club.

What happens when I overdo it: On Tuesday - nice day and I felt an upsurge of energy. So - off to the gym for half an hour to improve muscles. Then the the sailing club for coffee and too much talking and walking around. Then I had lunch at home and walked up to the main shopping road to the bank and to have an iced tea in Costas. The result - I felt ill when I got home - as if I had flu. At least I went to bed early and slept for 12 hours.

So I won't be doing that again for a while. Today - coffe out in the sun - brief walk to marina - lunch out in the sun and then a lot more sitting in the sun along the river bank.

The start of the sailing season

On Sunday I made it to the sailing club to watch the first races of the season and to eat 'brunch' - mostly in sunshine. I also checked over my streaker and found it has survived the winter very well. Progress slightly slowed by overdoing it.

Various boats at the quay, Woodbridge

New and old boats moored at the quay - a few are lived on all the time, many are undergoing renovation and some are lived on intermittantly. More activity there since the sun came out.

Still far to go - - - but yesterday I managed to walk to the sailing club for a coffee with the work party and a quick look at my Streaker. This confirmed gradual improvement in my energy levels. I have started back at the gym - doing resistance training with the lightest weights - my muscle tone has deteriorated a lot. The picture was taken from the top of the railway crossing, showing I can get up the steps.

Downstream on Deben viewed from the shelter.

Really to show that the boats are mostly out of the water and the river looks open and uncluttered. I have sat here a few times - it is best in sunshine as today. I also continue to eat chips in the cafe and have stopped weight loss as a result. So slight improvements continue day by day - slowly.

Black headed gull trying to catch bread.

I sat and watched the tide come in for some time - as well as the antics of the gulls. Encouraged by sunshine with a cool wind - as well as a large lunch in the caravan cafe. I have also put my mind round some issues with the U3A website. So some slow improvement and at least in the right direction.

A barge is towed up-river.

I was around to snap this after lunch (chips in the caravan cafe).

The tree I see from my chair - and watch the blossom come out. Rehabilitation will be when I see less of it.

 Rehabilitation: It looks as if the prediction that the side effects would lessen after 11 days is right. I am less totalled out by fatigue today and yesterday than previously, although the improvement is slow. Good weather is also encouraging and I have tottered out for a while to find food and coffee. I am now trying to figure out a strategy for rehabilitation without overdoing it and getting exhausted.

Ups and (mostly) downs of chemotherapy side effect of fatigue: I was OK for a few days after the chemo - but have been completely wiped out for the last few days. If it follows the same pattern as before - I may buck up a bit by the weekend. Meantime - I sit it out and hope the sun shines.

February 29th - leap year, 1972 and 2012.

We bought this at the time. It is tin glazed earthenware - delftware - decorated in the traditional way - hand painted blue.

How does Rhoda get to be 40 already! Amazing.
(Aidan has one too - coming later)

Update: I went into Ipswich hospital to have the next lot of chemotherapy on Tuesday afternoon. It all went OK on Wednesday, although I got a bit short of sleep (as you do). The process is a bit trying as the infusion of various drugs and solutions takes 8 hours or so. It is immobilising but one can walk around with the drip machine - thank goodness  - as I am not good at sitting still. If there are side-effects they come later. Stayed in overnight on Wednesday as it was a late finish - so left this morning as soon as I could get out (after breakfast).

It seems to be working and I am due to go onto a different combination that does not require overnighters in hospital and is said to have fewer side effects - starts in about 4 weeks.

 I managed to sit out in the sun, overlooking the river, for a couple of hours - tee shirt and sun hat weather. So - let's hope the sun shines and the fatigue is just fatigue rather than life-zapping.

Lookfar out of the water and cleaned off. It looks cleaner than it is.

Lookfar is tucked away in a corner of the marina. And how did I get a picture - well - I took it myself. Drove down to Tidemill - looked at boats and had a couple of chats with people. First time out for a long time. And the sun was shining. Then fried egg for lunch in the caravan cafe -  tired after for the rest of the day - but worth it.

I saw the consultant this morning. The conclusion is that the chemotherapy is starting to work, so I will continue with it for a while (every three weeks). The side effects (even the fatigue) are, of course, better than the alternative.

Lookfar - March 2011 launch. Admire the crane.

An excuse to show my boat. It is being lifted out this week - I shall not be there to take a picture so use this one taken when she was launched last year. Note the clean underwater part - which will be disgusting when she is lifted, but hosed off ready for a general cleanup.

I am still fatigued -  but perhaps slightly better. I am trying to tidy the junk in my flat. Unsure whether I will ever get to use Lookfar again - but intend to get her sorted out - incase - - - .

Matilda in St Andrews outer harbour as the tide goes out. 2004

A good place and a good boat - and a wonder that I sailed so far in so small a boat (I sailed from North Shields). The weather was wet most of the time too - I got soft after that.

The horrible symptoms are due to fatigue - induced by a combination of the cancer and the chemo. I feel a lot better today and yesterday - but not leaping around yet. Thanks again for your good thoughts, cards, support and much else. xx

Sailing past St Abbs Head in Matilda -  2004

I have gone round St Abbs lots of times since in different boats. I had no idea that there is real wild life under the keel.
Zapped out still -  much as yesterday

 wolf fish - another metaphor (picture from J.J.Greenfield. Taken at St Abbs Head nature reserve.

Also at:- http://www.oceaneyephoto.com/gallery_150662.html

I am not sure what they are metaphors for exactly - whatever seems to fit. I find them truly hideous and therefore refer to my present condition. (BTW - they eat shell fish - not people.)

Update - still zapped-out. But part of it seems to have been a lung infection - I started anti-biotics a day ago. Obviously have enough energy to locate the fish!

dear friends,
Thanks for all your cards and emails and notes. If you do not hear from me - I am pretty zapped out and find writing exhausting. But will be in touch eventually. xxx

All I have done is sit around feeling very much the worse for wear - just about able to totter at snail's pace around the flat. And do some very powerful sleeping.

I did get into Ipswich hospital - (a bed came available) - in ice and cold on Monday evening - ready for the chemo on Tuesday.

Tuesday - a heavy day. The complex infusions started mid afternoon and ended at half-past midnight. The morning a nightmare of wondering whether it would happen and being seen by various (helpful)  people. For example - a palliative care doctor. Exhausting. The afternoon and evening - a nightmare of boredom and exhaustion, especially as the machine that handles it appeared to malfunction - in fact it was the cannula - adding an extra 2 hours to the 7 that it takes in theory.

Today - I was released in the afternoon - after various tests. Good (if somewhat exhausting) to be home.

I have felt actually ill for over a week and since my visit to the caravan cafe last week I  have not been able to go out at all.

Add to that - I have yet to get chemotherapy (which involves an overnight stay) because there are no beds in the ward. I was hyped up yesterday for getting in and spent an unhappy day here instead - one of the darkest I have had. It seems as if it might take some time for a bed to be availabe - I guess I am in a queue - and meantime I still feel ill.

View the other way - from the caravan cafe.

Just managed to make it here today - with Rhoda - in bright sunshine. But very cold - and hardly makes one want to live aboard a boat. I did not overdo it for once!

The caravan cafe at the quayside - the white one. There are a lot of 'live on' boats - some smarter than others.

This is where I sometimes have lunch - it is a short walk from the flat but sometimes feels a long way.  Today - it was too cold to sit outside. I was zapped again when I got back - but I did overdo it by trying to walk too far. Groan.

I saw the oncology consultant on Thursday.

There is no easy way to say this - it is easier to write about the nice things in life. I am in the valley of the shadow of death again, having lived in the sunny uplands (and some of them very sunny) for so long that I have perhaps forgotten the shadow.

The cancer is growing again, maybe not unexpected although the implications have not sunk in yet - and we do not have enough information to know where it will go. I have not taken cancer meditation for some time and  I cannot continue with the wonder-drug (Tarceva) on which I did pretty well for well over a year. I am to get another lot of chemo (combined peretrexed and cisplatin). The side effects are a lot harder than the chemo I have had in the last couple of years. I have to go into the oncology ward to get the treatment and then stay overnight, getting out the next day, all being well. This starts next Sunday.

 Dear friends - thanks for your support and communications - they comfort me beyond what I can express.

Appendix

Look back to around Sept 2009 for earlier references to the valley. It comes from:

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,
for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff comfort me.

River Deben Nessie?

Seen on River Deben at luchtime - why should Scotland have all the monsters?

And then a dip for the last two days - I did totter very slowly to Costa on Saturday and the caravan cafe today. Then I did nothing. Very boring - and I have had enough of it!

It does seem that the big downers of this week were indeed due to coming off the last few mg of steriod too quickly. It can play havoc with the metabolism! I now have some more with instructions to take a low dose for two weeks - then review further reductions.
I feel a lot better today - although not back to where I was last week.

No pictures to illustrate this - - - I am feeling pretty zapped out - - - which is why no-one has had any communication from me.

And not due to driving around too much. I have spent a bit of time surfing around for the side effects of coming off steroids. To cut a lot of detail - I think I have mild withdrawal effects - mainly extreme fatigue, thirst and the ability to sleep for hours. So am holing up again and trying not to do anything stressful. Made easier by horrible weather. I intend to bounce back - - - .

Winter woodland from my (parked) car.

My car would not start a couple of weeks ago. Today - I felt I had the energy to ring the AA and get the battery (new in October) checked and charged. As part of the re-charging, I went a short ride out towards Orford, through lots of winter woodland. Even if I do not use it much - it is essential part of life - so well done AA and me.

I was pretty tired when I got back and have done nothing much since - -

Weeks go past - - fast.
Several days at the beginning of the week where I managed to totter up to the coffee shops in the Thoroughfare and had my eye on the river path and taking some pictures. I also did a bit of geology reading and was picking up a few strands of life.

But for a couple of days I have not been getting better at the same rate - and have felt too feeble to have the energy to do much - even emails. I think this is due to reduction in the dose of steroids I am taking, as it co-incides with when I started on a lower dose.  Frustrating - - - .

The new water wheel for the Tidemill - and the crane: November 2011

I have been out of the flat several times this week - marking continued (if somewhat slow) progress. I take very short and shakey walks - it is surprising how unfit one gets after a few weeks without much activity. I have yet to get as far as the Tidemill - but made it to the coffee shops in the main thoroughfare yesterday - and the first espresso for two months.

The Tidemill is being renovated and the new wheel was built on-site and lowered into place. I missed the actual craning bit. There will be a very small mill pond and we hope they will grind wheat for us to buy for bread - eventually.

Surf on Long Sands, Tynemout h - 2009. A metaphor.

Happy New Year to you all

And thanks again for reading my blog and for your various comments and emails - I really appreciate them.

The picture - this is a metaphor for us entering the rough waters of the year ahead. Not without excitement and fun - we hope.